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This Information is based on information from the Books of Rabbi Avigdor Miller, z”l.
The list is in Order of Priority.

1. If in the Mother and Grandmother Family Tree there are no Conversions and everyone is Jewish.
2. If He or She was Divorced, or Never Married, and his Age.
3. Physical and Mental Health.
4. Goals in Life.
5. Character Deeds, Midot Tovot.
6. His or Her Look and Personality must be Attractive to you.
7. If He or She has a Rabbi they listen to (in order to avoid any conflict in marriage).
8. Economical Situation.

Don’t forget that Praying to Hashem is the Most Powerful Tool You Have, it's simply one of the Best Gifts Hashem has given us.

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• I find it difficult to grow beyond my childhood dreams as I search for a spouse.
• I don't give much thought to my future spouse. I'm sure that when I meet him or her, I'll “know”.
• I fail to see a correlation between my own behavior and how it is effecting my quest for an appropriate spouse.
• I am caught in a rut and seek a partner who might not necessarily be best for me.
• I make decisions regarding the success of a date based on “chemistry”.
• I look at ads of happy people and wish I were in their place.

If the answer to any of these is yes, then think about ways you can grow past these areas that mat have stood in your way without you even realizing it.

Which fantasies or fairy tales are you attached to
that they get in you way of finding your shidduch

• I dream of a romantic relationship that will lead to a fairy tale marriage.
• A “head-turning” spouse is my most important criteria in a marriage partner.
• I believe that my shidduch and I will see eye to eye on most issues.
• I know I will be so captivated by my shidduch that I will have no doubts.
• I get hung up on small things that may not really be important in a spouse.

If the answer to any of these is yes, consider that everyone has character flaws and beauty doesn't make a person perfect. A mature person is prepared to recognize that whomever they marry will not be faultless and that ever good marriage requires tolerance and work. Hopefully, the insights that you have gained regarding fairy tales will help you to appreciate qualities that really matter.





• I've known the type of person I plan to marry since I was young child and I cant change that picture.
• I will feel like less of a person if my spouse is not a fantastic catch.
• I will not settle for someone who doesn't live up to my ideals.
• Even minor flaws in people irritate me.
• I wait to hear bells or see stars to know that I have met my shidduch.

If the answer to any is yes, realize that a successful shidduch is determined in the mind, not in the heart. If you are expecting to meet the perfect spouse, you will always be disappointed. On the other hand, if you are realistic, you have a much better chance of meeting a person who meets your needs and then you'll be on your way to a great shidduch!





• The opinion of others has a strong influence on the way I form my own opinions.
• I cringe when other criticize my decisions, even when I know that my decisions are sound.
• I care about what others think, to the point that it affects my own behavior.
• I tell people what I think they expect to hear, when they ask me what I am seeking in a shidduch.
• I'm not a deep thinker, I like to go with the flow.

If the answer to any of these is yes, you need to give yourself permission to make your own decisions based on what you feel you need rather than what other people think you need. Picture yourself at home alone with a sink full of dishes and a crying baby. Does it matter now if you spouse can make everyone in the party laugh? After all, although you care about what others think, it is you who will be spending the rest of your life with your future spouse and he/she must have the qualities you need. If you keep this in mind you will surely be on the path of finding the right person.





• I know the perfect person with all the good qualities I envision exist. I'm just waiting to meet him/her.
• I believe an excellent spouse must have all of the good qualities in this world and non of the faults.
• I cannot follow the advice of a well-meaning parents or rabbis. They can't possibly know what I need.
• I cannot make concessions on my original expectations. I will be left with an inferior spouse.

If the answer to any is yes, then you should be aware that you have tried to create a person who probably doesn't exist. There is no one who can excel in every quality that you have decided is important. Keep in mind that you will most likely not get everything you want, but you can still have a great marriage.





• people tell me I am overly picky and understandable in my search for my shidduch.
• I refuse to “lower my standards” as I seek my future spouse.
• I ignore people who expect me to compromise. I have high ideals and I will stick to them.
• People's bad habits get on my nerves.
• 'Good enough' is not good enough for me. My spouse needs to be someone really special and I won't give in.

If the answer to any is yes, realize that healthy relationship are based on compromise. Being picky about unimportant things hold a person back from finding their shidduch. Being able to see beyond truly insignificant character flaws will give you the best chance at a successful marriage.





• I am confidant that I know exactly who I am even though my close friends tell me otherwise.
• That person that I marry will love me so much they will be able to overlook my shortcomings.
• I know I have some character flaws, but they are minor and I can control them when I want to.
• Nobody is perfect, but I am pretty close.

If the answer to any is yes, then it's time to take a deeper look at yourself. Try to find a mentor, a rav or rebbetzin, or a friend who can help you to better see who you are and what can you bring to a marriage.





• I am not willing to sacrifice any of my personal comforts for marriage. I am sure that I can have both.
• My career and my need for advancement are my priorities in life.
• I like taking good care of myself. I can't imagine how I will be able to do effectively if I also had to worry about caring for a spouse.
• I need someone who wouldn't “cramp my style.”
• I hope to find my shidduch and I hope he/she won't be too demanding.

If the answer to any of these is yes, then you are living a life in which you are the main character. In marriage however, it is more important to give then to get. A healthy marriage requires a person to be in tune with the needs of their spouse more then their own needs. Be prepared give up some of the comforts you've grown accustomed to in order to be open to finding your shidduch.

In what ways do you let your past patterns choose a spouse for you

• I find myself drawn to the same types of people – even when I know they are not good for me.
• Even thought they don't treat me very well, I feel more comfortable when I am with people who treat me like my family does.
• It is hard for me to break away from the stereotype that “all men behave a certain way.”
• I believe that going to a professional counseling or speaking to a rav in a cop-out ant that marriage will be therapy for my difficult family history.

If the answer to any of these is yes, then be aware that when a person comes from a situation that was dysfunctional, seeking the familiar can be unhealthy and even dangerous. Your goal should be to find someone who has healthy, reliable qualities like trustworthy, honest, and kind etc. - qualities that may have been missing from a dysfunctional past.





• I find myself passing judgment on people, even when I don't have all the facts.
• I trust my instincts. I can judge someone by my first impression.
• If someone isn't right for someone else, then he/she is not right for me either.
• I am very intuitive. I can even tell you what someone is all about based on what I hear about him/her.
• I can tell a lot about a person just by looking at him/her.

If the answer to any of these is yes, then remember that people are very complex and it is impossible to really know someone until you have spent a significant amount of time with him/her and observed his/her behavior in various circumstances. Check with the shadchan, or other sources, that the person you are investigating has the qualities you need, and then give the person a fair chance. People are often nervous on a first date and their true personality may not shine through. Allow him/her to share their experiences with you so that you will gain insight into the type of person he/she truly is.

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Lets get down to earth and before going out lets get clear what are the main points to consider someone like my possible shidduch. The only way is to make a clear list in a priorities order of what I am looking for and need foe a good marriage. This should be your goal before going out A 10 points list.

This is not a shopping list and everything on your list will match! The point of the list is to clarify TO YOURSELF what your priorities are so you specifically look for these when you are going out. Marriage takes work! Even if your date meets every single item on your list, this does not guarantee a perfect marriage. In order for a marriage to work, it requires work! There will be behaviors you never bargained for or noticed on your dates. For example, you have no way of knowing from your dates that your husband scrapes his teeth with a fork while he eats, or that your wife likes to listen to music loudly. These are challenges that we are work through over time. It is your hishtadlus to help you through the shidduch process. However, like every other challenge we face, we must remember that everything is given to us by Hashem. Each nisayon is tailor-made for the receiver. It also important to recognize that often our hishtadlus seems to have nothing to do with the results that follow. We do our part and when Hashem decided it's the right time, He does His. It is the tefillah that with Hashem's help, you will find the guidance you need in the in this article to help you identify and recognize your true shidduch.

These are the steps to get your 10 points list done -

• First write down all what you can. Thoughts, even ideals and imaginary points, even silly childish and picky points, everything that you want your spouse to have.

• Erase the “Givens” points. We assume that everyone are looking for them, and they are subjective points (Intelligence, attractive, Yerei shamaim(God fearing)).

• Then erase “Wants” from your list (Ex. Tall, rich, stylish, classy).

• Delete “Behavior and personality traits” from your list (Ex. Funny, outgoing, friendly, relaxed).

• Delete”contradictions” from your list. (Ex. Laid back/ ambitious, cautions/ decisive) note: erase one of the names.
• Cut your list to 10 items only .
• Prioritize your list (put in priority order).

Now you have a 10 points priority list that will be very helpful in your future dates to clarify what you are looking for in a date. A lot of people did it and succeeded.

Preparing to Date

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This is a good approach before a Date:

• Daven
• Prepare a resume
• Network
• Check References
• Don't Prejudge
• Use your Shadchan Effectively

General Tips for Singles on their own

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• If you are on your own it is imperative that you select a rav, rebbetzin, mentor or wise friend as your sounding board. Finding a shidduch calls for complete objectivity. This is a task of the mind, not the heart, and an objective third party is invaluable in helping maintain clarity on a highly emotional issue. After all, choosing a spouse is not like shopping for a pair of shoes, you will be living with and raising a family with this person for the rest of your life IY'H. This is probably the most momentous decision you will ever have to make. Having someone available that you can confide in will give you a tremendous amount of emotional support and help you to make a great choice based on healthy criteria.

• Make sure that you surround yourself with people who are supportive and encouraging. A friend who makes snide comments about every person you go out with will ensure that you stay single for a long time.

• Try to find a rav or rebbetzin who will be willing to check references for you since they might be better able to read into the subtle nuances that might escape your notice when getting information. Also, if they're better connected than you are, people might be more inclined to be open with them than to a stranger. But if it's not possible to get assistance, then it's up to you to check the references yourself. In any case, you'll need to daven to Hashem that you'll hear what you need to hear and that people will give you honest information.

Dating Main Guidelines

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Here are some tips to help you stay focused on each date.

• Be yourself – it's polite to show interest in your date's interests, but you don't have to pretend that those identical things interest you if they don't. If you keep changing just to suit the person you are with, how will the right person recognize you when they meet you?

• Don't rush – people often make snap judgments and they try to rush through the date. This is not only unfair, but makes the other person feel badly. Even if you are certain that the person is for you, be as polite as possible. You'll feel kinder, and who knows, maybe they will be the messenger for your true shidduch.

• Listen – often a person is so worried on anxious about what to say next that he/she completely forgets to pay attention to what the other person is saying. With the assistance of Hashem, when the time comes, you will have something interesting to say. But don't miss the opportunity to get to know the other person because you are trying so hard to appear charming. Listening well will be seen as a more important middah(character) anyway.

• Don't prejudge – the perfect spouse might make a poor first impression, but really have a lot to offer. You probably have heard happy couples comments about their lack of enthusiasm for each other when they first met. Don't be quick to judge – you might miss the best opportunity of your life! Spend time to get to know what the person is really like.

• Don't let rejection get you down – rejection is also part of the dating process. It eliminates time wasting, by helping you move along to find your shidduch. There may be disappointment and some pain, but don't let it get you down. Get right back on track and let the search continue!

• Keep working on your middos(characters)- the more refined you are in character traits, the better a spouse and parent you will be. By refining your character, you also make yourself into a better “catch”. Find role models to emulate, read books on character building, and then do it! There is nothing as admirable as a person who is strong enough to break old negative traits. You have also done something wonderful for yourself while you are waiting to find your shidduch.

After your date is over, you still have much work to do. Now you will have to determine whether or not to see the person again. Use your top 10 list to compare the traits you need with the traits that your date actually has.

How do you know if you are in the right track

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Ask yourself these questions:

• does this person match many of the needs on my top 10 list?
• Are most of my top five needs met?
• Do we have similar hashkafos?
• Do we have similar goals?
• Do we share similar values?
• Do I know what is important to my date? (Family, friends, Torah learning, career, material needs?)
• Do we share expectations in the way we will have parnassah or raise a family?
• Do we share similar attitudes in life?
• Do we compliment each other intellectually?
• Does this person seem to be emotionally healthy?
• Have I seen positive middos displayed?
• Do I look forward to being with him/her?
• Do I find this person's appearance pleasing?
• Is he or she pleasant company?
• Does he/she bring out the best in me?

If the answer to most of this questions is “yes”, then it might be that an engagement is in the near future. If the answer to any of these questions is “no”, then either you still need to gather more information, you need to see which areas you might be willing to compromise on or change your opinions on, or, the person is simply not the right one for you.

ANY QUESTION OR CONCERN PLEASE YOU MAY CONTACT YOUR PERSONAL MATCHMAKER OR ONE OF OUR RABBANIM IN SIMCHA ONLINE AT ANY TIME

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A TORAH GUIDE FOR SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

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FANTASY AND REALITY IN MARRIED LIFE


Some of the major problems of marriage are rooted in the unrealistic expectations with which marriage is entered to. Therefore, before setting out to describe in detail what marriage should be, we must first spell out what marriage is not.

Marriage is not the fantasy world which newly married couples believe it is. While fantasies are not put to rest quickly, the shock of disillusionment can be disastrous.

The Fantasies and Their Causes

The major fantasy about marriage is that it confers eternal bliss. Two corollaries follow from this: (1) that married people are constantly in love, and (2) that spouses have no faults.

Fantasies, like all dreams, are largely forms of vicarious wish-fulfillment. Thus, whatever our innermost desires–lust, power, prestige, or even the spiritual goals of Torah acquisition and character perfection–we fantasize that marriage will achieve them all for us.

The fantasy of marriage as eternal bliss thrives especially among those who have grown up under the influence of Western values. From the early years, children are informed that the close company of a woman produces quick and permanent ecstasy. (It is no coincidence that in the popular songs hear in America, the word “love” often rhymes with the word “above” in the phrase “heaven above.”) The victim of too many of these messages naturally expects to find instant bliss in marriage.

Another cause of fantasies about marriage is the sex drive itself, viewed by many single young men as their most troublesome problem.. Because it overshadows all else, they are led to believe that when they find relief from it through marriage their lives will be problem free. This is, of course, naive. Coping with the sex drive is only one of life’s many challenges–as the difficulties of married people so plainly testify. A single person however, does not easily see things this way; he perceives this as his only problem. Hence, the fantasy of everlasting bliss.

Unfortunately, misinterpretations of selective readings from the Torah and the Talmud do their part as well in bolstering marriage fantasies. Man we are taught, is a half person without a wife. The Torah teaches us that a woman is a man’s lost “rib”; therefore, it is thought that man and wife are meant to fit together as perfectly as a rib in a body. Furthermore, since woman is man’s aveydah (lost object), marriage will confer all the joy of having a lost part of oneself restored.
In addition, the Sages say that “whoever lives without a wife lives without joy, without blessing, and without Torah learning.” This seems to imply that with a wife, the way is automatically clear for the converse: unbounded joy, limitless blessing, and greatness in Torah.

The Sages also say that “forty days before the conception of the fetus a heavenly voice calls out, “So-and-so will marry so-and-so.’” A wife is therefore preordained by Divine decree, and is obviously intended to meet man’s every need. She certainly can have no characteristic which will cause her husband displeasure. For do not the Sages say, “A righteous woman does the will of her husband”? And does not the Rambam write that a wife should treat her husband as a lord? Thus the fantasy emerges that a wife will automatically cater to every whim and desire of her husband and that she will be able to intuit his every wish even before he voices it. When not serving him, she will find no greater joy than gazing at him with adoration.

To many young men beguiled be these fantasies, it is practically axiomatic that life’s goals will be realized early in married life. This applies especially to spiritual goals. Through the husband’s conversations with his wife on their dates and through discussion with others, he has ascertained beyond any doubt that her greatest desire is to live according to the ideals of Judaism. He is buoyantly confident that their future home will be a bastion of learning, kindness, sanctity, and mutual devotion.

The speeches at the wedding and the week-long Sheva Berachos celebrations add the finishing threads to his tapestry of expectations. The bride is compared to the greatest women in Jewish history; her character is “flawless”; her good heart is “unequalled.” He will become a latter-day Rabbi Akiva who achieved greatness in Torah virtue of his wife’s devotion to his learning.


The Disillusionment Process


Unfortunately, the fantasies are short-lived. Slowly, but inevitably, the shocking truth sets in.

The physical attraction begins to lose its initial excitement. The wife no longer preens herself and wears a different dress for each meeting, appears somehow less attractive.

Her attitude towards him has changed for the worse. Probably as a result of being able to see him daily from close up, her admiration has grown thinner. She no longer accepts his opinions uncritically and often even claims to know better than he.

She is not at all the perfect human being he thought he was marrying. There are obvious flaws. She is not as calm and relaxed as he knew her to be on their dates. She can be shrill and panicky; she can be stubborn and illogical.

Especially disturbing is the absence of that surge of accomplishment and wisdom which he had expected to materialize once the fetters of bachelorhood were cast off.

Worst of all, he sometimes feels lonely. He cannot share so much of his life with her. She does not appreciate his words of Torah. She does not accept his opinions. She does not grasp his jokes.. She does not like the same music. She has different tastes in clothing and in home furnishings.

He often wishes he were single again and in the company of his friends. He had it much better then. There were no bills to be paid, far fewer distractions, no wife who needed constant attention, no decisions weighing on his mind.

As the fantasies dissipate, terrifying questions begin to insinuate themselves into his mind. Is she the right one? If overcoming loneliness is what marriage is all about, why is he so lonely? Can she be the preordained wife of forty days before conception if he still has problems?

The questions gnaw at him. Because he is too ashamed to share them with anyone, they fester within him. Disappointment and hurt begin to seep through his entire emotional fabric. He suspects that his marriage was a mistake; he feels trapped by it and wonders if it will last.

He begins to feel resentment towards his wife for having concealed her true nature from him before they were married. The resentment breeds an anger which grows within him.

One day, he feels he can no longer tolerate her inability to make him happy, and his disillusionment and bitterness, triggered by some trivial matter, pour out in a spasm of rage.

The wife is shocked and grievously hurt. The man she loves, and who she thought loved her, has now turned on her without good reason. Before long, her shock gives rise to bitterness and anger and she retaliates. A cycle of attack and counterattack is set into motion, with its tragic potential.

What Is the Reality?

The only problem which marriage solves is the problem of bachelorhood. Granted, this is not an unimportant problem because man is too lonely, too rootless, and too distracted to be able to address himself to the real challenges of life without marriage. But marriage itself proves no ultimate answers; it is simply the best framework for dealing with the problems of living.

If life presents difficulties, this should not be surprising. Life is meant to be a series of challenges. There is no lasting bliss on this earth. What matters is that we meet these challenges properly, for then we will have accomplished our purpose in creation. As the Sages say,
"Today [this world] is for work; tomorrow [the world-to-come] is for the bliss of reward.” One has to operate within the natural state of existence called marriage to meet the challenges of life.


The Reality of Love


Rabbi Leib Chasman, famous baal mussar and mashgiach (spiritual supervisor) of Chevron Yeshiva, once saw a student eating fish with great relish. “Tell me, young man,” he asked him, “do you love fish?” The bochur answered in the affirmative. “If you love fish,” replied Reb Leib, “then you should have cared for the one on your plate; you should have fed it and tried to make it happy. Instead you are devouring it.” As the student groped for a proper response, Reb Leib explained: “Obviously, you don’t love fish. You love yourself

Reb Leib was trying to drive home the point that what most people call “love” is really self-love. The love sold on the billboards and television screens of the world is merely the selfish love of pleasure fulfillment. The romance portrayed as an ideal is so often just a glorification of some of man’s baser instincts, a fantasy of physical and emotional gratification.

Real love, in contrast, exists where on is willing to give up something dear to him for the benefit of another person. Developing a relationship of love is not an instant process. One cannot love unless something has triggered that love. When a person feels gratitude for benefits which another person has rendered him, when he finds noble qualities in another, when he senses that someone is devoted to him unconditionally–only then can he truly and completely love that person.

Not surprisingly, this form of love does not come about during the early stages of marriage. Two strangers who have met each other a limited number of times before becoming husband and wife cannot possibly enjoy this degree of mutual devotion. Love in its true sense is only possible between two people who have spent many years sharing experiences, working towards common goals, undergoing sacrifices for each other, and building a life together. It must be realized that this can take decades.

This is why the early years of marriage are the most difficult, and why most divorces occur during this period. For this reason (among others), the Torah commands a man to spend the first year of marriage making his wife happy. As the author of the Sefer Hachinuch explains, a man and wife, who start out as nearly total strangers, need time to get used to one another. A newly married couple needs more work during the first year of marriage than at any other stage of their married life in learning to be mutually compatible. This obligation reflects the reality of marriage and shows the naivete of expecting love to begin simultaneously with the breaking of the wedding glass.

Marriage cannot begin with true love. What should be present at the outset, however, is a strong commitment by both partners to devote themselves to helping each other and serving as each other’s lifelong friend. This means that a husband must undertake to treat his wife as well as he would treat himself: to fulfill her physical and emotional needs; to ensure her happiness; to deny her nothing he would not deny himself; and to treat her with due respect. All of this is contained in the Sages’ prescription of the duties of a husband to his wife: “He must love her as himself and honor her more than himself.” This means that he has to satisfy her needs as much as he satisfies his own, and he must concern himself with making her feel as respectable in his–as well as the public’s–eyes, even more than he concerns himself with his own needs and respectability.

Because this commitment will make each partner feel that his/her spouse genuinely cares about him/her, it is the first step and the surest way of building the emotional bond which will lead to a happy marriage.

This is possibly why the prophet Malachi calls a wife “ךתירב תשאו ךתרבח”–“Your comrade and wife of your covenant.” The term “comrade” alludes to the first step of marriage, the commitment to devotion and friendship made at its outset. “Covenant,” on the other hand, alludes to the sense of unity felt by the parties to a covenant. Marriage as covenant is marriage imbued with the love which created this sensation of unity. The order in this verse, first “comrade” and then “wife of your covenant” is significant and refers to the way a marriage develops. If the first stage, “for she is your comrade”–with its implicit commitment to keep the marriage obligations–is kept, the marriage will then develop into the next stage where she will become the “wife of your covenant.”

Note that “falling in love” is not a pre-condition for getting married; needed is an honest commitment to be totally devoted to a wife’s needs. Even if strong emotions are lacking at the beginning of a marriage, this commitment will foster love. “םינפל םינפה םימכ”–“A person’s attitude is the reflected image of his friend’s attitude towards him.” Acting with commitment towards a wife will set into motion a process which will inevitably lead to a deep emotional attachment.

Admittedly, the commitment of devotion is not an easy one to make and to keep. Man has an innate selfishness which drives him to exploit everything and everyone around him for his own gratification. His natural inclination will therefore be to satisfy his own needs at his wife’s expense, not to give up too much for her needs. But every time he acts selfishly, the foundations of a successful marital relationship are undermined. For only through working to overcome this tendency can a marriage ever prosper.

B"sd

Why Marriages Go Wrong

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The marriage He (Hashem) created has the potential to solve man’s deepest existential problems: it can provide his most profound and satisfying emotional relationship, and it can help him arrive at the pinnacle of spiritual fulfillment. But God’s plan will not work unless one condition is met: that man use marriage to check his selfishness, not enhance it. if man decides to pervert marriage, the result will inevitably be the misery and disinterest in life which comes with marital unhappiness.

Marriage counselors often attempt to cure troubled marriages by advising the couple about enhancing their own physical pleasure and ego satisfaction. Nothing could be worse for a marriage. Such an approach leads them leads them to strengthen their yetzer hora for selfishness instead of teaching them how to over come it. this amounts to treating an illness by adding to its causes. Such attempts are doomed to failure. They cannot cure the ills of marriage; at most, they can create a modus Vivendi where each partner can indulge his selfishness without interfering with the other’s attempt to do the same. Such an approach is a stop-gap measure at best.

The only way to avoid – or resolve – marital discord is by building the marriage in accordance with its original plan, by using marriage as a vehicle for becoming concern with another human being’s welfare. The only counseling which can be effective is that which teaches marriage partners to become selflessly concerned with each other’s pleasure and ego feelings – even at the expense of their own. Marriage will then become all God intended it to be: an instrument of human perfection and happiness.

TAKEN FROM THE SEFER "THE RIVER, THE KETTLE AND THE BIRD" by RABBI FELDMAN.

Bs”d

What is Critical for Marital Happiness

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Which of life’s three levels, or components, lay the most significant role in creating marital happiness – the physical, and emotional or the spiritual? Since happiness is an emotional state, we might assume that the emotional plane holds the key.

The truth Is that a healthy emotional relationship in marriage depends on a proper spiritual orientation, i.e., where the couple have learned to overcome their selfishness. This is because happiness in marriage depends on a basic element: each partner’s feeling that the other is devoted to him/her. Such a relationship cannot exist between two self-centered people. It is therefore impossible for them ever to experience full material happiness. The spiritual side of marriage, which teaches us to be concerned with another human being, is therefore what determines it emotional side. Only by learning marriage’s “lesson” of increased selflessness can a couple achieve “happiness,” an emotional state.

The physical relationship in marriage, of course, also plays a vital role in creating marital happiness. Besides enabling the creation of a family and the control of the sex drive, it also fosters an emotional bond between husband and wife. Marital relations awaken feelings of closeness. Indeed, the Sages have clearly indicated that the sex drive was created in man in order to provide marriages partners a means of generating love.
Marital relations, however, can only arouse temporary feelings of closeness. Their capacity to generate permanent closeness depends upon the spiritual orientation (i.e., the degree of selflessness) of the marriage partners. Like a signature on a document which is valuable only in proportion to the force of the document which it endorses, marital relation have a significant effect upon the marriage bonds only in proportion to the emotions backing them up.

When the physical side of marriage is not an expression of emotion, the contrary is true: damages to the marriage results. Lust fulfillment is nothing more than selfishness; consequently, using sexual relations for the sole purpose of physical gratification will undermine the very basis of marital happiness. This sort of “love” is therefore love destined to turn to hatred – and will ultimately destroy any marriage.

Thus, on both the physical and the emotional planes, everything ultimately depends upon utilizing marriage’s spiritual capacity to overcome self-centeredness.
Clearly, the “manufacturer’s instructions” for marriage require that a person commit himself to developing other-centeredness, the true original goal of marriage. This is the key to marital success.


TAKEN FROM THE SEFER "THE RIVER, THE KETTLE AND THE BIRD" by RABBI FELDMAN