Halachot Lashon Hara

A few acts of chessed (kindness) can compare with that of helping to build a Jewish home. One who thinks that a certain young man may be a suitable match for a certain young woman is not responsible to investigate the two and their families before proposing the match. That is the responsibility of the parties involved and their parents.

When suggesting that someone consider entering into a relationship with someone else, one must be mindful of the commandment לשכמ ןתת אל רוע ינפל, before a blind person do not place a stumbling block (Vayikra 19:14), which our Sages interpret as an admonition not to offer תנגוה הניאש הצע, advice which in not proper.

It is absolutely forbidden to suggest someone as a possible employee, business partner or marriage partner is one is aware that: 1. Objectively speaking, it may not be good for the people involved, or 2. It does not satisfy the subjective needs and tastes of both parties.

Not only is it cruel to subject people to situations that are bad for them, it is also wrong to involve the unsuspecting in relationships they would not have wanted had they known the facts.

WHEN TO SUGGEST AND TALK:

The prohibition against misleading one’s fellow requires that one not suggest a shidduch unless:

• He believes that given what he knows of their personalities, the two could be a good match, and he is unaware of any reason the relationship should cause pain to either one.


• In his opinion, there is reason to believe that their meeting will ultimately result in an engagement. (It is wrong to waste a person’s time, energy and emotions!)


• He is not aware of any medical, emotional, or character deficiency that would render one party unfit for marriage.


• He does not feel that either party will have a negative influence upon the other.


• He is not aware that one party lacks something that the other is insistent upon, or has something to which the other has explicitly expressed strong objection.

Should there be any doubt as to whether any of these conditions have been met, the counsel of a talmid chacham should be sought.

WHEN NOT TO SUGGEST OR TALK:

One must understand that the possible situations of constructive negative speech that could arise in the settings of family, friends, community, business, employment, education, etc. are endless. No book can possibly give explicit instructions for dealing with them all. One’s only recourse is to become fluent in the principals, develop an understanding of the concepts, and accustom himself to consulting a Rav, so that he can meet the challenges that such situations bring with them.

The conditions which permit speaking negatively for a constructive purpose must be fulfilled:

• The information must be firsthand, or clearly stated as secondhand and not verified.


• It must clearly be a problem by objective standards (e.g. a debilitating disease in the person, or in the family if it is hereditary; severe psychological disorders; violent tendencies; major problems in hashkafa [outlook on basic issues of Jewish life]; an immoral lifestyle) and not a matter of personal opinion–even if one feels certain that this is not what the other party wants. It must also be clear that the information is being concealed from the other party.


• If it is possible to convince the party that is concealing the information to come forth with it, that would be preferable.


• The information is not to be exaggerated and only that which is necessary may be told.


• One’s intent must be to prevent a harmful situation from coming about and not to denigrate the party spoken about. Moreover, there must be a real possibility that the information conveyed will not be ignored, so that the constructive purpose will be realized.


• No realistic alternative to conveying the information directly can be found.


• No undue harm will be caused by informing the party of the problem. Should there be reason to suspect that the party, upon learning that it has been deceived, will denigrate the other party or seek revenge in some other way, one should not get involved.