Matchmakers Laws, Fees & Information
Post created: Dec 15, 2008
Filed under: Jewish General Halachot
Updated: Dec 19, 2008
Simcha Online has brought together the basic Halachics Rules that may apply in every field of the development of a Shiduch, which may concern Singles and Matchmakers general rules, fees and basic information.
Shadchan Halachic Rights:
According to Jewish Halacha, the Shadchan must be paid a fee for arranging a shiduch as any other regular Job. It makes no difference whether or not the shadchan is a professional, was engaged by one of the parties, or if he volunteered his services, in any case the shadchan must be paid for their services. The Halacha even goes to the point that the shadchan may petition a beis din to force the parties to pay his fee, these are His rights.
Who may pay the Shadchan Fee:
Payment for the Fee may be divided equally between both sides of the match, even if the shadchan spent more time with one of them. The Shadchan may not charge more than half to one side according to their rates, even if the other side is poor or for some reason refuses to pay. The shadchan may forego payment altogether, in which case there is no compelling reason to pay him.
Although the obligation to pay is the bride's and the groom's, it has become customary for the parents to pay and therefore if the parents can’t pay, there is no obligation for the bride and groom to pay the shadchan.
How much is the Fee:
The Shadchan Fee is based on the customary fee in the area of shiduchim. Once the standard fee is agreed upon, the shadchan may not ask for additional compensation to cover special expenses that he may have incurred in arranging the shiduch. In Simcha Online there are a lot of Shadchanim who are working hard without charging anys Fees. Each single may consult his own Shadchan for details.
SIMCHA ONLINE has the custom that the shadchan may be paid immediately after the shiduch is completed, and even if the shiduch is broken later, the shadchan does not have to return his fee as long as he did not give erroneous information which led to the termination of the shiduch, otherwise he may pay back his fee for the wrong-doing actions.
When the Singles are exempt from paying a Fee:
• If the Shadchan doesn’t charge a Fee.
• If the match was not complete, even if the Shadchan spent a lot of time and effort.
A shadchan whose fee is outstanding should not be a witness to the marriage ceremony according to Halacha. There is a discussion in the Poskins about the division of payments where more than one shadchan is involved, or when the match began with one shadchan and ended with another. Whenever there is a dispute, a Rav should to be consulted since there are many details involved and no two cases are alike.
Our policy is that the first Shadchan who began the first step of a match, even if it's just a proposal to another Shadchan about a possible Match and even if the other Shadchan is equally involved in the Match or more involved than the original one, the Shadchan that first proposes the match is the one that may be paid a Fee by the Singles.
Still, there are situations were the Halacha or Simcha Online internal rules may exempt the singles to pay any fee, like a case mentioned above, or a if shadchan is working without charging a fee. The importance of the Custom in Am Israel of making a symbolic gratification to the shadchan or shadchanims involved, money wise or other form of gratifications is well known.
In the case that the first Shadchan starts the Matchmaking process, but the second Shadchan takes over and continues and concludes the Shiduch, then the first Shadchan will receive 1/3 of the Fee, and the second Shadchan will receive 2/3 of it.
It is prohibited for either party in a prospective match to give false information or to withhold pertinent information about themselves. Withholding or falsifying information could result in the invalidation of a marriage. Even a couple who has been married many years may be considered to be living in sin if pertinent information was withheld at the time of their marriage.
The information that may not be withheld according to the poskims for a prospective match, known by halachic term of “Major Deficiency”, and if is withheld may invalidate a marriage are:
• A serious physical or mental illness;
• Infertility;
• Correct financial status;
• Lack of religious observance;
• Previous martial status;
• Previous illicit relationships;
• Conversion;
• Adoption.
When you are not obligated to divulge a deficiency:
Deficiencies which most people do not consider to be an impediment, such as a minor illness, a physical weakness or a minor blemish in one's lineage, are not obligated to be spoken of. Similarly, a transgression in the distant past for which the sinner has repented is also not obligated.
Since it is often difficult to gauge and judge minor drawbacks versus major deficiencies, a Rav must always be consulted.
If you have been asked for Information:
You must divulge what he knows regarding a "major deficiency", as detailed above. One who deliberately withholds such information transgresses the prohibition of lifnei eiver lo sitein michshol.
Detrimental information about a shiduch may only be conveyed with the proper intention for the benefit of one of the parties, not as revenge or in spite of any individual. Even then, the information may only be relayed when:
• The condition is serious;
• The condition has not been exaggerated;
• There is a reasonable chance that the information will be accepted and acted upon. If it is likely to be ignored, it is prohibited to be relayed.
ANY DOUBT ON SITUATIONS OR FOR MORE INFORMATION DEFINITION OR HOW TO HANDLE A PARTICULAR CICUNSTANCE YOU SHOULD CONSULT A RAV BEFORE DIVULGING OR WITHHOLDING THE INFORMATION.
SIMCHA ONLINE IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT WE WORK TOGETHER WITH RABBANIM OF THE SHEMIRAT HALASHON – SHEILA HOTLINE (Chafetz Chaim Foundation):
ANY DOUBTS OR QUESTIONS YOU MAY CONTACT ONE OF OUR RABANIM AT:
718-951.3696 (Brooklyn – New York) THE SHEILA (QUESTIONS) SCHUDULE IS:
EVERY NIGHT EVEN MOTSAY SHABAT BETWEEN 9:00 AND 10:30
Filed under: Jewish General Halachot
Updated: Dec 19, 2008
Matchmakers Laws, Fees & Information
Simcha Online has brought together the basic Halachics Rules that may apply in every field of the development of a Shiduch, which may concern Singles and Matchmakers general rules, fees and basic information.
THE SHADCHAN'S FEE
Shadchan Halachic Rights:
According to Jewish Halacha, the Shadchan must be paid a fee for arranging a shiduch as any other regular Job. It makes no difference whether or not the shadchan is a professional, was engaged by one of the parties, or if he volunteered his services, in any case the shadchan must be paid for their services. The Halacha even goes to the point that the shadchan may petition a beis din to force the parties to pay his fee, these are His rights.
Who may pay the Shadchan Fee:
Payment for the Fee may be divided equally between both sides of the match, even if the shadchan spent more time with one of them. The Shadchan may not charge more than half to one side according to their rates, even if the other side is poor or for some reason refuses to pay. The shadchan may forego payment altogether, in which case there is no compelling reason to pay him.
Although the obligation to pay is the bride's and the groom's, it has become customary for the parents to pay and therefore if the parents can’t pay, there is no obligation for the bride and groom to pay the shadchan.
How much is the Fee:
The Shadchan Fee is based on the customary fee in the area of shiduchim. Once the standard fee is agreed upon, the shadchan may not ask for additional compensation to cover special expenses that he may have incurred in arranging the shiduch. In Simcha Online there are a lot of Shadchanim who are working hard without charging anys Fees. Each single may consult his own Shadchan for details.
SIMCHA ONLINE has the custom that the shadchan may be paid immediately after the shiduch is completed, and even if the shiduch is broken later, the shadchan does not have to return his fee as long as he did not give erroneous information which led to the termination of the shiduch, otherwise he may pay back his fee for the wrong-doing actions.
When the Singles are exempt from paying a Fee:
• If the Shadchan doesn’t charge a Fee.
• If the match was not complete, even if the Shadchan spent a lot of time and effort.
A shadchan whose fee is outstanding should not be a witness to the marriage ceremony according to Halacha. There is a discussion in the Poskins about the division of payments where more than one shadchan is involved, or when the match began with one shadchan and ended with another. Whenever there is a dispute, a Rav should to be consulted since there are many details involved and no two cases are alike.
Simcha Online Policy makes it easy:
Our policy is that the first Shadchan who began the first step of a match, even if it's just a proposal to another Shadchan about a possible Match and even if the other Shadchan is equally involved in the Match or more involved than the original one, the Shadchan that first proposes the match is the one that may be paid a Fee by the Singles.
Still, there are situations were the Halacha or Simcha Online internal rules may exempt the singles to pay any fee, like a case mentioned above, or a if shadchan is working without charging a fee. The importance of the Custom in Am Israel of making a symbolic gratification to the shadchan or shadchanims involved, money wise or other form of gratifications is well known.
In the case that the first Shadchan starts the Matchmaking process, but the second Shadchan takes over and continues and concludes the Shiduch, then the first Shadchan will receive 1/3 of the Fee, and the second Shadchan will receive 2/3 of it.
PRIVATE INFORMATION THAT MAY BE KNOWN
It is prohibited for either party in a prospective match to give false information or to withhold pertinent information about themselves. Withholding or falsifying information could result in the invalidation of a marriage. Even a couple who has been married many years may be considered to be living in sin if pertinent information was withheld at the time of their marriage.
The information that may not be withheld according to the poskims for a prospective match, known by halachic term of “Major Deficiency”, and if is withheld may invalidate a marriage are:
• A serious physical or mental illness;
• Infertility;
• Correct financial status;
• Lack of religious observance;
• Previous martial status;
• Previous illicit relationships;
• Conversion;
• Adoption.
When you are not obligated to divulge a deficiency:
Deficiencies which most people do not consider to be an impediment, such as a minor illness, a physical weakness or a minor blemish in one's lineage, are not obligated to be spoken of. Similarly, a transgression in the distant past for which the sinner has repented is also not obligated.
Since it is often difficult to gauge and judge minor drawbacks versus major deficiencies, a Rav must always be consulted.
If you have been asked for Information:
You must divulge what he knows regarding a "major deficiency", as detailed above. One who deliberately withholds such information transgresses the prohibition of lifnei eiver lo sitein michshol.
Detrimental information about a shiduch may only be conveyed with the proper intention for the benefit of one of the parties, not as revenge or in spite of any individual. Even then, the information may only be relayed when:
• The condition is serious;
• The condition has not been exaggerated;
• There is a reasonable chance that the information will be accepted and acted upon. If it is likely to be ignored, it is prohibited to be relayed.
Simcha Online created an easy table of how to handle negative information to help Shadchanim fulfill the Mitzva in the proper way:
| If Negative Information is Known | ||||
| BY OBJECTIVE STANDARTS You conclude that: | BY SUBJECTIVE STANDARTS | |||
| THE MATCH WILL FOR SURE BE A MISTAKE. Examples: Medical, Emotional, or Character Deficient. | IS NOT FOR SURE A MISTAKE, BUT IT MAY ADVERSELY AFFECT THE FUTURE OF THE PEOPLE INVOLVED. Examples: Monetary Matters, Ashkafa and Torah Levels | NOT BEARING IN THE RELATION, BUT THE OTHER PARTY WOULD SEE IT LIKE AN ISSUE. Example: “He says Tehilim every day” (the other party may think: nice, but why doesn't he learn Torah instead?) | THE INFORMATION IS RELATIVE, IS A PERSONAL MATTER THAT CAN SOME TIMES GET TO POINTS OF BUTTERING IN THE RELATIONSHIP. Example: One party snores | |
| As a Matchmaker or Adviser, for Reference Information, YOU ARE: | OBLIGATED TO SPEAK EVEN VOLUNTARILY AND YOU CANNOT SUGGEST THIS PERSON. | NOT OBLIGATED TO SPEAK VOLUNTARILY BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE ASKED. YOU MAY NOT SUGGEST THIS PERSON. | NOT OBLIGATED TO SPEAK VOLUNTARILY. IF YOU'VE BEEN ASKED, TRY TO AVOID ANSWERING. SUGGEST ASKING A RAB. IF THEY WERE GOING OUT AND STOPPED FOR A DIFFERENT REASON, DON’T PERSUE IT. | NOT OBLIGATED TO SPEAK VOLUNTARILY. IF YOU'VE BEEN ASKED, TRY TO AVOID ANSWERING, AND EVEN SAY: “I don’t know”. SUGGEST ASKING A RAB. |
ANY DOUBT ON SITUATIONS OR FOR MORE INFORMATION DEFINITION OR HOW TO HANDLE A PARTICULAR CICUNSTANCE YOU SHOULD CONSULT A RAV BEFORE DIVULGING OR WITHHOLDING THE INFORMATION.
SIMCHA ONLINE IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT WE WORK TOGETHER WITH RABBANIM OF THE SHEMIRAT HALASHON – SHEILA HOTLINE (Chafetz Chaim Foundation):
ANY DOUBTS OR QUESTIONS YOU MAY CONTACT ONE OF OUR RABANIM AT:
718-951.3696 (Brooklyn – New York) THE SHEILA (QUESTIONS) SCHUDULE IS:
EVERY NIGHT EVEN MOTSAY SHABAT BETWEEN 9:00 AND 10:30
